I think it's the medication. For the first time in my life, I feel slightly distanced from the suicidal impulses. I recall that I used to know they were there, but either I was so miserable I couldn't "hear" them properly or they never formed into words in my brain. But now I can "hear" them clearly. Every time I let my mind go blank, I hear the words "I wish somebody would shoot me". At first I found it very depressing, now it's gotten to the point where it's actually very annoying. I just wish it would shut up, already!
There was an episode of MASH in which a guy who wanted to commit suicide was hypnotized by the shrink so his arm twitched every time he thought of killing himself. If you think that the number of twitches was overblown: don't. That's what I'm hearing. Every other thought is "I wish somebody would shoot me". And quite possibly there are even more impulses which I can't hear. When I drove home from work yesterday I found myself exceeding the speed limit by quite a bit, and realized that I was hoping to drive off the road. Yeah, I slowed down as soon as I realized what I was doing, but the point is that I didn't even notice until I was already in danger.
But the words are something different. I don't ever recall being able to hear my depression like this. I don't ever recall being annoyed at it. It's quite a different experience for me. I'm half glad I'm having it, and half terrified of it.
0 comments:
Post a Comment