Depression is a funny thing. People who don't have it act like it's something you can just "snap out of" and go on with life. It's not that easy. I spent years developing tactics that would get me through the day, never understanding that I was fighting a chemical imbalance in my own brain. The tactics work to a small degree. They keep you going until the next day, but they don't make you happy.
I'm in the middle of an awful bout of severe depression. One clue that it was severe was that my thoughts over the last 24 hours have been turning to creative ways to die. I'm not inclined to take my own life, I tried that once and it gave no satisfaction, so I've been thinking about car wrecks, drive-by shootings, and the ever popular hit-by-a-meteorite.
I also fantasized about ways to kill myself that would leave a dramatic impact. Since suicide is the most selfish act possible, I figured if I killed myself, it had to be an impressive death. I actually spent a good hour trying to figure out the proper way to commit seppuku.
If I don't write any blogs for awhile, it's because I'm dealing with this. The medication just isn't cutting it right now. I don't want pity, that will make me more depressed. The only thing I ever wanted through all those years of wanting to kill myself was for someone to understand. I understand now what this is, but that doesn't mean I'm allowed to stop fighting it.
0 comments:
Post a Comment