Who Am I?

Eric, who wrote about the Newbery Awards in the most recent post on this blog, has been urging me to start blogging again.

Empty

I'm empty right now. There's nothing where my heart ought to be. I'm like the Tin Man, only worse. I've got nothing moving, nothing beating. I have no emotions. I'm just empty. Desolate. Cold. I feel like I have been cut off. There's nothing there. There's no one around. I'm reading Facebook trying to find something to get outraged about just so I can feel something, but there's nothing. My heart just isn't reacting. Inkwell knows something is wrong. I wonder if cats can sense the emptiness when it happens. Except I don't really wonder. I don't really care. Because I'm empty.

I think I'd best go to bed. I'll feel bettersomething in the morning.

Some Links

Legends, and problems, of Oz. A nice MetaFilter post that sums up a lot of the history behind the recent movie.

Comics that can help you understand mental illness. Personally, Hyperbole and a Half definitely hit me hard.

Eight pseudo-scientific climate claims debunked. Of course, anyone who doesn't accept the reality of climate change isn't going to change their mind based on what science says because such people are probably too stupid to understand science anyways.

New Usagi Yojimbo... just tell me which is the new stuff and I'll go get it.

McDonald's Hot Coffee Lawsuit: deliberate, corporatist urban legend. In short, it's been distorted and joked about to the point that people don't even know what really happened.

After Mrs. Liebeck bought her coffee and breakfast, her grandson, who was driving, pulled over so she could add cream and sugar to her coffee. Since his Ford Probe had no cupholders, she placed the cup between her legs. When she fumbled with the lid and spilled the coffee on her sweatpants, she began to scream.

“All I remember is trying to get out of the car,” Liebeck later related. “I knew I was in terrible pain.” She went into shock and her grandson rushed her to the emergency room, where she would undergo surgery and receive skin grafts. She had third degree burns on 6% of her body; the pictures of her injuries are shocking.

...

Liebeck spent a week in the hospital, amassing hospital bills of $10,000.

Still, Liebeck did not sue. Her family wrote a letter to McDonalds asking them to pay her hospital bills and check whether its coffee machine was faulty. McDonalds rebuffed them, offering $800, so they found a lawyer. But even the outcome of the lawsuit -- a $2.9 million verdict that people saw as Liebeck hitting the jackpot -- was a fiction.

...

The jury decided to award Liebeck $200,000 -- less than the $300,000 recommended by a mediator in a settlement that McDonalds rejected before trial. The jury, however, decided Liebeck was 20% at fault since she spilled the coffee, so they gave her $160,000. In addition, they awarded her around $2.7 million (two days of McDonalds coffee revenue) in punitive damages. In civil cases, since there are no criminal sentences, punitive damages exist to ensure companies change their behavior. The judge reduced the punitive damages to $480,000, for a total of $640,000. McDonalds appealed and later settled out of court for an undisclosed amount believed to be between $400,000 and $600,000.

Grab bag of links

How Sesame Street got its name.

A clever way to guilt religious people into giving more.

Teens sneak meaning past authority figures. This is nothing new, but interesting nonetheless.

The Chemistry of the Murder Mystery. How mystery writers have gotten it right.

A real cloud at Facebook's data center. Or rather, a lot of condensation because of a lack of planning for certain temperature changes.

There's a very distressing, very real description of depression that's followed up by a second part. And Ursula also talks about it. I don't think I could put my own depression into words as well as these folks have.

And as long as I'm ending on a down-note, here's a whole bunch of euphemisms for "death" from early American tombstones.

If you have seven and a half minutes...

...watch this video. It says a lot that I wish I could have said, better than I could say it.

Linkdump

Ten Things You Should Know Before Moving to Seattle.

Have you seen The McBain Movie?

A typeface designed to help dyslexics read.

The Renton Police bring down the Streisand Effect upon themselves. I grew up in Renton. I wouldn't have known a thing about this... except the police decided to bring attention to it.

Ten Things Not to Say to a Depressed Person. And since that's a downer, read this next: Ten Supportive Things I'm Glad Somebody Said to Me, from the same author. Via.

The Oldest Unsolved Seattle Police Homicide.

I'm sure you can spot a Monty Python reference from a mile away.

Aim for the Stars.

It's not a Bloggity linkdump without a pug.

I'm Sick, So I'll Whine A Little

Ok, I caught a cold. Not unexpected after my adventures at BrickCon. In fact, I would have been very surprised if I didn't at least get the sniffles. Unfortunately, this one is an annoying little monster of a cold that started with sniffles, then progressed to a full-on war with my throat (ow) and then attacked my inner ear just for kicks. Last night I was up most of the night coughing, and every cough sent my head spinning into another dimension. By the time I could see straight again, another bout of coughing would start. Not as painful as it may sound, but definitely frustrating. My throat is still very sore, but the vertigo has become minor.

I'm feeling a little better. To my amazement, I apparently stumbled on a fix for my fibromyalgia. I hesitate to say much about it, because I haven't been on the medication long and the effects might not last. But after I'd been on my new medication for about a week I noticed that my depression was lifting and I no longer hurt everywhere all the time. The medicine was for a completely unrelated condition. I'm not depression-free, but I feel a heckuva lot better than I have in a long time, which is nice. Now I just have to watch my health very closely to make sure that my vertigo isn't a negative side-effect of the new medicine and not just a frontal assault by a persistent cold. Hopefully, it's just the cold. Although, frankly, I would trade annoying and persistent vertigo for the sheer agony of fibro and depression. I'd rather be dizzy than in pain.

Anyway, that didn't sound as much like a whine as I thought it would. I guess I *am* getting better. Maybe that means I'll get back to regular blogging. We'll just have to see.

Minor Update: I just want to mention that we no longer have health insurance. This may mean that my new medicine will soon cost more than I can afford. If that happens... well, I don't know what will happen then. I'll probably cry for a very long time.

Linkage

Deep Thought: I've been having so much fun with my Batman: Brave and the Bold Wall Stickers that I wish somebody would make a set of Wizard of Oz wall stickers based on Denslow's artwork so hubby-Eric could join in the fun.

Hrm, this comic art exhibit is in my neck of the woods. Maybe I ought to go check it out when it starts? The exhibit is September 18 through November 15 at The Maryhill Museum of Art, which I've been meaning to visit anyway.

Politics on the Bendis Boards as the opponent of the "kids reading comics, *gasp*" ad speaks out.

Todd Klein reviews Age of Bronze #30.

Phil tells us the moon is shrinking.

Wait, these idiots were ghosthunting on a train bridge still in use?!?? Hello, people! Where's the common sense? Look, I have no problem with ghosthunting, but permission, common sense, and safety should be top priority, not simply seeing the ghost. Sheesh.

Want.

Fast Food Ads vs Reality.

LOLCat Theology continues to grow.

Pug for the in-laws.

Saturday Linkages that Won't Melt Outside

Comic Book Legends Revealed #268: Seinfeld's Superman Fetish, Steve Skeates Aquaman, and John Ostrander. I'm amused that my blog is mentioned in the Aquaman item (as I had nothing to do with the question or answer) and even more amused that my husband's site is also mentioned. Someone must like our work.

Elayne sums up the battle over women on The Daily Show.

Dealing with bipolar depression.

Bacon Cinnamon Rolls. Oh. my.

Slate takes on Anime Eyes and the New York Times.

DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU HAVE JUST EATEN, ARE ABOUT TO EAT, OR ARE ABOUT TO GET ON A PLANE: Airline Passengers Showered With In-Flight Maggots. TSA can find a nail clipper, but can't find maggots?!??

Wonderful headline: Mailbox, Mini Cooper, Fireworks a bad combo.

What drowning actually looks like.

Simon Pegg and Nick Frost taken by ghosts.

When being autistic is a crime.

LOLCat Theology.

And lastly, Pug Puppy for the in-laws.

Linkdump

Now it can be revealed! Comic Book Urban Legends Revealed is going to Book Form!. I've been saying the articles should be collected into a book for some time, great to hear it's happening.

Oh, yeah here's Comic Book Urban Legends Revealed #196: Punisher, Vince Colletta, and Jack Kirby.

I wonder if this treatment could be used to reduce the triggers for depression?

Speaking of Depression, here's Great Depression Cooking with Clara. As of this writing, there are seven YouTube videos featuring Clara, a great grandmother who tells stories of life during the Depression while she cooks a dish.

And, speaking of dishes, I almost wish I had a grade-school child so I could make cool Bento boxes.

And speaking of Japanese food (boy, I'm stretching this), here's yet another sushi belt video. I like what happens when the camera gets to the kitchen, very near the end of the video. I just really like this cinema veritas type of film, and the sushi belt seems to be a lovely manifestation of it.

Something I forgot to mention to Jack Pendarvis when he got my oatmeal tips from Facebook is that I used to take mine with honey, but honey has become so expensive lately that I've had to give it up. Especially since I have this "thing" about pure honey. I miss my honey.

Quick, call Aquaman!

Depression, Exhaustion, and Fibromyalgia

I'm exhilarated to have finally seen a specialist on one of my health issues! It's bad enough to be sick, but to be unable to get help because of lack of insurance... well, I'm glad that's over for now.

Anyway, I saw a sleep specialist today, and I get to have an overnighter at the sleep study center in a few weeks. He went into a bit of detail about how he has to be a detective, as there are 84 different sleep disorders. I gathered that I have the classic triangle of symptoms: depression, exhaustion, and pain. He thinks he can help me, though it may take awhile to find the right combination of treatments. If nothing else, that gives me the hope I need to get through the day.

Wish me luck. I'll need it.

Joy

For a short time this afternoon, the fog lifted entirely from around me, and I felt sheer joy at being alive and being me. I felt tall and proud and happy, and wanted to sing. Too soon it ended and I returned to my normal, but I cling to the memory of the moment, hoping it will come back again someday.

Frankenvagen Disaster - Day 4-ish

Today was supposed to be the light day. Basically: let my sister come up and retrieve her car. She called in the morning to let me know that she would be out at 11:30 with my mom, and that they planned to take me to lunch. Ah, operation cheer-me-up!

They arrived about the time they said, with a prepared dinner for hubby-Eric and I tonight. Then the three of us went to lunch downtown, then the bakery for some sweets. My diet is officially set back by about three days by how much I ate. I don't care. I haven't eaten out in awhile, and it was great!

Then my mom went home, but my sister hung around to take me out to pick up my comic books. I'll note here that Eric and I prepay for our comics, and roughly half of the comics we read anymore are paid for by a friend who lets us read them first. Thus I just needed to pick up comics for this week. Part of me isn't sure why I'm bothering, as I haven't actually read a new comic book in three weeks due to depression. But then, Eric's been keeping up with them, so I guess it's all good. We also stopped by the grocery where my sister paid for a couple of needed items I had to pick up.

Then, because Automax is really good at fixing cars but really bad at calling people back, my sister drove me to my shop to check and see if they had gotten the CD player out. YUP! I settled the bill with them, and took my player with me. They also urged me to bring any used car I was looking at by the shop for a check before purchasing, and suggested I don't buy anything older than 1996 (I was thinking of avoiding anything pre-2000, myself). I saw the van in their yard attached to a tow truck, about to be towed to the scrapheap.

For the rest of the afternoon I've been putting together a list of "needs/wants/would be cool" for my replacement car. So far the only things on the "needs" list are heat and reliability. Theoretically it shouldn't be hard to find a car with those two attributes. My "wants" list is a lot longer, and I'll try to get some of those in my vehicle as well. I suspect none of "would be cool" will make it, unless I get really lucky. While we still don't know how we're going to pay for it, we at least are in no immediate danger of being unable to pay our bill for the rental and repairing Eric's car, thanks to the help of folks on-line.

As for the cyberbegging, it's soul-reducing and painful. While the help is much appreciated, the fact that it was needed is humiliating. Which is why I plan to keep track of the money exactly and pay it forward like any other debt. At the moment, I don't believe we need any more. I think we're good, unless the problem with Eric's car is much more severe than expected. I'll leave the original post up, but any more money will go into reserve to help pay for the replacement car. After I post this, I plan on hiding the Frankenvagen bit from the sidebar. I thank all the folks who contributed. The response humbled me, as I really wasn't expecting it. I am in your debt.

Now allow me to lean on you all once more. Besides my desire for happy stories, if anyone has any advice on what sort of car to get or what kind to avoid, let me know. Yes, I'm looking for opinion. I'm also working on a budget, if anyone has any idea how much I should expect to pay for a good used car (as opposed to a junker), please make a comment. I know, I know... costs range all over... but I'm not entirely sure where I'm starting. Buying a car is a new experience for me.

Happy Stories Wanted

Ok, I need some serious cheer. The donations have helped on the financial side, and the aching heartburn of fear is dying down. But the depression is just getting started. If you can think of one, post a cheerful story in the comments. A goofy slice of life. A dumb joke. Something light-hearted and inoffensive.

I don't have much to give myself, I'm afraid. But there is one tiny thing I found amusing about the whole thing. The tow truck that came to pick me up on Saturday after the van broke down... when he reported in I found out that his truck number was my lucky number.

Depression

I cannot define depression. I know, vaguely, what it's like to not be depressed, but I can't explain depression because it's my natural state. Can you explain what being alive is like?

I have a metaphor for depression in my head that fits the descriptive words we use for it. I stand on a cliff in the fog. I can see the cliff, and I know I will die if I go over it, but I can't see much else in the fog. Sometimes I get near the cliff, sometimes I sit on the edge and look into the fog. Sometimes I stay away from the cliff and it barely registers to me.

The fog is the annoying thing. I can't see clearly. Every once in a great while the fog will lift enough that I can see a person, or a building, or sometimes even the sky. But most of the time it's just endless drab fog. It's not a mysterious fog, or a comfortable fog. Just endless ugly gray.

I imagine that normal people have no fog. They can see everything, experience all their emotions, clearly. Sure, every once in awhile the fog will creep into their lives, and they will become depressed, but most of the time they don't have the fog.

They think I can make the fog go away by pure willpower. They tell me to "get over it". Can you change the weather outside just by thinking? I cannot change the fog inside me that way. It simply is. I can pretend I'm seeing clearly, but the fog is always there.

I haven't got the words to make people understand. I haven't got the eloquence to truly describe what it's like. I only have a very simple metaphor.

Today the fog is thick, and I'm very near to the cliff.

Geo and Graphic

My Mom called this afternoon and mentioned that she was trying to get rid of some old World Book Encyclopedia updates. They aren't terribly useful, but she doesn't want them to end up in a landfill. She was hoping I knew of a school that might want stuff to cut up for projects or something. Between my hubby and I, we can find someone to take them, I think.

But she also mentioned some National Geographic books she had, and I told her right off to save any of the ones about Mysterious Maya, or Amazing Aztecs, or Incredible Inca. Those ones I want in my library.

I suffer from depression, and apparently have for most of my life. I denied it throughout college, when treatment was getting effective and acceptance was becoming more commonplace. Only recently have I begun to take "happy pills" as I call them, and only recently have I realized just how depressed I was, because I now know what it feels like to feel good, or even just ok, most of the time.

What does this have to do with National Geographic books? Well, as a kid suffering from moderate depression, I often hid in books. And from about the time I started to read in first grade, through about six grade, I was archeology mad. I knew what I wanted to be when I grew up. I was going to be an archeologist! I was going to explore ancient ruins and interpret how people lived in the past. I was going to read ancient writings and explore the minds of cultures gone from the earth.

When I got depressed and I was at home, I'd simply pull down one of those great books from my Mom's huge books of shelves and just bury myself in other times. I avoided the ones about "common" places... it was the Maya, the Aztecs, and the Inca that kept me from myself.

Sometime around seventh grade I learned the reality of archeology wasn't what I thought it was. I also slowly and painfully learned that I don't travel well, and I can't seem to learn other languages. Put all together, a future in archeology seemed really unlikely. At some point, that dream faded away, although my interest never has.

So, if my Mom is willing to part with them, I really want those books.

Hey, I still have a subscription to National Geographic, but to be honest, I wouldn't mind if they only sent me ones that have information about new discoveries in archeology. October's issue was of interest because of information about tombs on the Nile, but November didn't have nearly as much to draw me in...

Iron Chef!

The title of yesterday's triumphant success note about the Chicken List is also a reference to Iron Chef, in case you didn't realize it. Tonight on Iron Chef I'm delighted to see a very familiar face as a guest commentator. I knew that Seattle Mariner's closer Kazu Sasaki had appeared on Iron Chef, tonight I finally get to see that episode!